A Glimpse Into My World...

To be honest, I don't really like New York all that much.

I mean, it's a great place to visit, when you have a little bit of spare cash to spend and all the sights are new to you. But living here?

I'm not so sure.

The sidewalks are too crowded. The subways are too crowded. The stores are too crowded. All the tourists spots are too crowded. The restuarants are too crowded.

There.

Are.

Too.

Many.

People.

Here.

I don't like that. In Cleveland, drive down Chester Ave at 1 a.m. It's deserted. That's nice. It's just you and your car and the sky. It's peaceful.

Now take NYC. Drive down Lexington at 1 a.m. and you might be in bumper-to-bumper traffic. New York may be the city that never sleeps, but that must be why everyone here is so angry, 'cause they're sleep-deprived.

It's been forever since I updated and I have to say, I did miss you all. Not enough to interrupt sleeping or working or whatever, but I did miss you all.

A lot has been going on in my life and I'm happy to say that I'm completely and utterly happy. It's a good place to be.

I'm in the NYC right now, working on making it happen. I need to get a little more ambition, a little more drive so I can take my career from here (holding hand waist high) to here (holding hand above my head). I feel like the situation I'm in (for my close friends you know what I'm talking about) is supposed to be my inspiration for something. I hope I fiugre out what it is.

So...I might update some more this summer. Until then, see ya!

Wow.

There are many things in my life that I have been wrong about.

I remember being really young and seeing the trailer for the Lion King. I said to myself, "That movie looks like it's gonna suck."

Saw it and 10 years later it's STILL one of my favorite movies of all time.

I remember when I heard NSYNC's first song, "I Want You Back" and I thought they were going to be a one-hit wonder.

I thought the same thing about Britney Spears.

And Christina Aguilera.

So my experiences have proven to me that I can be wrong from time to time.

However...

I remember the first time I saw my boyfriend. I remember thinking he was cute, but he didn't seem interested so I never said anything to him. Over time though, he opened up a little and let me in. I told myself that I was going to marry this man.

And you know what?











For once in my life, I was right!

This is incredible...I feel so good.

I just read that Gordon Parks died today.

*sigh*

We're losing everyone it seems.

In case you don't know, Gordon Parks was an amazing photographer and filmmaker. He directed "Shaft" and also was a photographer for Life magazine in the '40s thru the '60s.

Go look him up. Talk about him. See what you learned...

I have this friend.

We have known each other for a while and were best friends at one point. We keep drifting in and out of each others lives, popping up occasionally to update the other on new developments in our lives.

But now I have a problem.

It always happens to me, maybe because I'm too nice and I like to listen to people hash out their frustrations. I like being that friend that people know they can count on for sound advice, support and understanding.

However, now this friend feels more like a weight on my shoulders than a friend I can count on. Whenever I see that person's name on my caller ID I don't want to answer because I know that person is calling with whatever drama/BS/issues are most important in their life. And they expect me to sit there and listen to them for 30 minutes while they complain about how such-and-such is getting on their nerves.

I don't mind when my friends have problems. I don't. What I DO mind is when people just use you for a sounding board but never have any real interest in what you have to say. I have too many people in my life whose favorite phrase to start a conversation is, "Guess what happened to me?"

Going back to my one friend. I consider this person a real friend, but I haven't even told that person about my internship. I was SOOOOOO excited when I got the news, but I haven't been able to tell her because I haven't been able to get a word in edgewise. It's all about her problems and why she has soooo much drama in her life. She hasn't asked me if I've heard back from anywhere about my internships, nor has she asked me what I'm doing this summer. All she's asked me is if I'll be able to see her this summer.

But really, I'm tired. I need REAL friends, friends who share in my successes and root for me as hard as I cheer for myself. I am ALWAYS my friends greatest cheerleader, but when the ball is in my court, my cheerleaders are sitting on the sideline somewhere eating popcorn.

So I think I'm going to do some spring cleaning, starting with my friends. As I've stated on my Facebook page, if you are not in my life to help me be a better person, or to encourage and nuture me, then you need to faze yourself out of my life. I mean it. I'm done being the great friend with the broad shoulders to cry on. When my eyes well up with tears, you know who I turn to? Myself.

So many days I've longed for that "Sex and the City" friendship. Did you see the episode where Charlotte was having a hard time conceiving and Miranda wound up pregnant? (If not, it was "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda" episode 11, season 4...and no, I didn't have to look that up) Charlotte was walking home from the doctor with the news that she might never get pregnant and she ran into Miranda. After telling Miranda she just wanted to be alone, Miranda followed Charlotte ALL THE WAY home just IN CASE she wanted to talk. Do they even make friends like that anymore?

I think that's the main reason I enjoyed the show so much. Four women, despite their different views on love and sex, managed to remain friends through marriage, babies, infidelity, divorce, etc. The other three women never judged Carrie for sleeping with a married man, nor did they look down on Samantha for being sexually adventurous. They accepted each other as they were, flaws and all.

I want that. I want that from another woman. I believe I've found that in my boyfriend, who loves me no matter what I do, but sometimes you need your best girlfriend to share in your joys also.

Sometimes I look at pictures on Facebook and see groups of women who are happy together, taking pics of vacations they've taken together, or cruises they recently got back from. I wonder why I don't have that. Sometimes I do feel alone. I have some close friends, but we don't talk as much as we used to. Time and different schedules have claimed our friendship. It's hard for me to make friends here because I'm just scared someone will use me like others have before. But I'm done. I'm making some changes in my life starting now. No longer will I be the friend to everyone but myself. No longer will I just smile and mod politely when I am dying to blurt out some good news but my "friend" is still talking about HER issues. No longer will I accept one-sided relationships.

They say if you have one true friend, you are lucky.

We shall see how many of my friends are left after I clean house.

OK.

So everything is going well in my life. I don't have one single thing to complain about. I'm getting paid, I have an internship, I have great friends, a man who loves me, my family is doing okay, and for the first time in a loooooooong time, I feel at peace with myself and where I am in life.

I even feel the need to go to church so I can give thanks. When was the last time THAT happened?

Everything is just good. No complaints.

Wow. What a weird feeling.

Guess who's biz-ack?

Yes, it's me. The illustrious diva also known the Shoeaddict.

I'm pulling a JAY-Z and doing a half-retirement. I got some good news on Valentine's Day and just HAD to come back on here and let the masses know.

**clearing throat**
I, Shoeaddict19, have...

**drum roll please**

AN INTERNSHIP!!!! Yes, after praying to the powers that be, I have discovered that I was selected to participate in the American Society of Magazine Editors internship program.

Which means, that I have to selected my top 5 choices of the magazines that are participating, and I will hear by March 20 which magazine I will be working for.

My top 5 choices are: Essence, Real Simple, Food & Wine, Money and Glamour.

So I might be working at one of those in NYC!!!!

I've let EVERYONE know, and everyone is screaming. Some people cried for me. I guess I underestimated how much people knew I was really hoping one of these internships would come through. I got hugs and "Congratulations!" People telling me that they knew I could do it. I felt really excited and nervous and just anxious.

But something is nagging me. People keep telling me I deserved the internship, but I never feel like I'm worthy. I know I worked my butt off for this internship and I KNOW I was one of the most qualified people who applied. This is a NATIONAL honor.

But deep down, I don't feel like they should've picked me. One of my flaws is that during my teen years, I was so angry and moody. I enjoyed being in trouble, I enjoyed when my life was chaotic. I got used to it. So now, when I'm on this new path of self-discovery and all these wonderful opportunities are opened to me, I feel like it's not right. It's too perfect for me. I'm used to the struggle. I'm used to fighting with people to demand that they acknowledge me. When something comes to me and I didn't have to beat someone over the head for it, I feel like I didn't earn it.

Is that weird?


Oh well....please leave some comments.......Love ya!

Well, I was hoping to stick around on here for at least a year. Blog, share my thoughts, write on a consistent basis and strengthen my skills. Well, for the time being, I don't have time for that anymore.

I've enjoyed the past eight or nine months with y'all. I enjoyed posting something that was on my mind and hearing your responses. I enjoyed the feeling of purging, of getting something off my chest. I enjoyed reading a sentence that I wrote, sitting back and saying, "Damn. That was good."

But it's time to move into the big leagues and I can't do that if I'm blogging everyday.

So if something big happens in my life, I might post and write about it. But otherwise, catch me on the street.


I'm out!



**drops microphone and walks away**

Shoot. I had a whole post about how tired I felt, I went to touch the mouse and the whole thing deleted. Oh well. I'll just paraphrase.

I am exhausted. Beyond belief.

I think something is wrong with me.

I was looking back at my past entries, and I realized I haven't mentioned my freelancing career in a week. *smh*

It's just hard balancing everything. I have school, my student media gigs, my friends, my job, etc. But I'm trying. I really am. But it's hard when you don't have time to write. I snatch any chance for sleep that I can get, 'cause Lord only knows when the next time will be.

I also need to work out more. I guess I can try to fit it in somewhere. *shrugs*

Just taking it one day at a time....

For the past two and a half (three if you count my senior year) years, I have denied, to anyone asked, that KSU was a party school. I would say, "No, that's just a few people. EVERYONE doesn't go out on the weekend and come back to campus drunk." And I thought I was telling the truth, because I didn't go out and get drunk, so it couldn't be a party school, right? And most of the people I was seeing do this were freshmen. So I brushed it off as a learning experience. They'll see.

But now, as I'm nearing the end of my college career, the amount of foolishness I'm seeing hasn't slacked off. I thought as I got older, as WE got older, some of that craziness (such as coming back from the bars drunk, throwing up in the communal bathroom and then being so hungover that you couldn't attend your 11:05 class the next day) would cease. I thought I would see more people in the lounges on Thursday night, trying to get their work done, instead of trying to see how many Cherry Bombs or beers they could bong. (And WTF is a "bong"? Who created this?) But nope.

KSU IS a party school.

There. I've said it. Whew. *wiping sweat from forehead*

I'm DEFINITELY not coming here for graduate school. 

I think it's okay (as I always have) to go out with your friends, drink a few drinks, but WATCH YOUR INTAKE. DAMN!

Why is it the "thing to do" to drink so much that you can't see straight the next day? Why do people brag about how much liquor they can handle, like it's something you can put on a resume and will ultimately get you a job? Why is it cool to be drunk? What happens to you?

And people wonder why their GPA isn't higher. Well, sweetie, it's probably all the liquor in your system killing your brain cells.

*shaking my head*

I've thought about it and I've even come up with a formula that directly predicts your GPA for the semester after considering some other factors. Here it goes:

(# of drinks consumed per week) + (# of missed classes per week) = X

X divided by 6 = gpa

Let's see how that works: Say if Philip has five drinks a week and doesn't attend his Monday/Wednesday/Friday classes ('cause they start at 7:45)

5+ 3 = 8/6 = 1.3

See how that works? Now, never mind that the equation doesn't work with any other inputs, but you get my point. More drinking leads to less classtime which leads to lower grades. It's that simple.

I'll finish this post later....

 

I have been asked to participate in a "Race in the media" panel discussion. I really feel honored. I feel like an "expert." lol.

But soon I will be. People will be calling my office, asking me to speak at different events, at commencement. It makes me feel important, like my opinion means something.

But I need to work on my public speaking. I went to an all-girls high school, the result of which was that I no longer was scared to speak in public. There were no boys there, so I felt comfortable enough to speak my mind.

But when it comes to speaking in a group, such as a panel, my voice can get lost in the discussion. I have a very soft voice, and I'm not aggressive unless I feel I am being insulted personally.

So I have to work on that. I need to get my facts straight so I can wow them with my knowledge and views.

Wish me luck!

I've been debating this over the past 2 years whether or not I'd get a tattoo. I wanted to get one ever since my grandma died, and I wanted to get her name tattoo on my upper back.

I still do, but I also want to get a cross on my wrist. Something that will remind me of my Christianity daily.

But is that right? Is it right to mark up your body in order to honor Jesus? Maybe I should just get a necklace. But I don't want something I could just take off at my leisure. I want something permanent.

Should I get one? And if I do, does anyone know a nice, clean, professional place???

Walking around campus today allowed me to witness some of the most romantic gestures I've seen in a long time. In case you are reading this and you aren't where I am, let me fill you in on the weather.

It's cold. And snowing. And wet. And cold. And windy. And cold.

It's freezing.

So I'm walking to the student center right? And I see this couple walking together. The sidewalk where I'm walking is extremely slippery and I was having a hard time standing up straight.

He put his hands on her waist, as if to help her balance and not let her fall.

Awww!

I also saw this huge guy and his petite girlfriend walking together, perhaps to class or the HUB. He was walking in front of her, his size 13s easily making tracks large enough for her size 6s to fit into. How sweet.

Sometimes I say you can't have true love without weather like this. How do you know what true love is if you've never slipped on the ice in front of your significant other (Bonus points if they don't laugh)? How can you say that your boyfriend or girlfriend is "The One" if you've never seen snot run out their nose because it's ten degrees below zero? How do you know you are in love if you've never seen your bf/gf out somewhere and didn't immediately recognize them because they had on eight layers of clothes, hats, scarves, boots and all you could make out are their eyes? That's true love.

So I say, if you're looking for someone to call your lover, head to a snowy state. Once you find them, then you can move to a warmer climate.

But true love doesn't exist until you've kissed outside in the snow.

Trust me.

Wow...two posts today...am I bored or what?

I came to this conclusion today. I need to be a lot nicer to people. I mean, I'm not mean, but I'm not the most approachable person in the world. If I don't already know you, the chances of us becoming friends are very very slim. I don't like making small talk, especially with someone I don't know. I don't introduce myself to people on the first day of class.My boyfriend told me once that I was anti-social. For the most part, I am. I just don't like "making" friends. I feel like if we click, we click. No effort necessary. If not, then it won't work.

But this one guy did introduced himself today. Will. I was really surprised. He actually stuck out his hand and said, "Hi. I'm Will. What's your name?" In a totally friendly way.

I'm so used to being the only black person in class and subsequently then getting ignored for the rest of the semester that I don't even bother smiling at people anymore. What's the point? It's not like we're going to be friends, 'cause it hasn't happened yet. I have to yet to make (and keep) a white friend at KSU. That's crazy! I do have a few people who say "Wassup" when I pass them in the hallway but no one who stops by my room to watch TV or anything.

So back to Will. We left class and began talking. We talked for about five minutes, which is one of the longest conversations I've ever had with a white guy (which is sad in so many ways). He was really nice, asking me about my classes and giving me advice on how to pass this videography course I'm taking.

I'm not saying that we'll become great friends now, but now I know that people aren't mean and determined to ignore me. His gesture showed me that I should approach people. See how their lives are. See what I can learn from them.

Tomorrow, when I go to class, I'll smile at people. I know that sounds like a little step, but I'm taking baby steps, you know?

And P.S. Did everyone see that Kobe scored 81 yesterday? How do you score 81 points? I mean, if I was Kobe, I'd be sleep til Wednesday. And I'd DARE anyone to say anything about it. For the rest of the season, whenever someone said something to me, I'd be like, "81 points?" They'd say, "Tara, we need to work on this drill." My response? "Um, sure, I'm just still a little sore from scoring 81 points." If he wasn't cocky before, he should be now.

I'm feeling really good right now.

I dropped a class, and now my whole world seems brighter. I just couldn't do it as my schedule was.

So NOW I can resume my freelancing career and try to make a name for myself. It feels good to be able to breathe after a day of running around. Like I said in the previous post, be on the lookout for some essays that I wrote that can't seem to crack the door at Essence or other publications. I really welcome your feedback also!!

Have a great day!!!

You know, I'm always looking for article ideas, things I could pitch to magazines, so I'm going to go out on a limb and ask my friends for help.

This week's question (s):

What do you like reading about in magazines? What interests you? What are you dealing with right now that an magazine article might be able to give you an insight or a fresh perspective?

It has been such a busy week. Instead of complaining about how busy I've been, I'll just say that I'm blessed to have such a variety of ways to show everyone how talented I am. Yes, I do have a lot on my plate, but I've got a hearty appetite.

So I just pray that I will continue to be blessed. Thanks for reading. Check out my post on the Love Triangle I'm currently in. Keep your fingers crossed that you'll see it in a national magazine soon. :)